Its impossible to stay so strong for long. Its even more impossible to keep smiling when the going gets tougher. Its so difficult to keep up, and carry on with life. Its so difficult to even be in a room full of smart people, full of gorgeous people, full of intellectual people. Its so difficult to even stop comparing yourself to them and just blame yourself that you are so dumb to have made those decisions in the past. Its even harder being close with people that are smarter than you, I mean. Idk. I have no idea how it feels like to get an A on almost everything. I mean, I get so discouraged whenever I look at what I'm studying. Idk, maybe it's because of my lack of interest in the field, but, why couldn't I just get an A on one subject that I actually enjoyed. But, its things like that that makes me wonder if I should really study because Idk. Its just nothing ever changes what might happen.

I feel so discouraged that sometimes I just want to be alone, and deal with everything by myself. Because life's tough. And only you can make yourself happy. But I can never bring myself to be alone. It's like I constantly need someone, and that sucks. Because It isn't supposed to be that way. It isn't supposed to be about me and another person. It's just supposed to be about me and me only. It's just supposed to be caring for me and me only. Not anybody else. I get so angry, so anxious, so fedup that I let it all out on people I care about. But who am I to do that to them.

I know nothing about all these feelings inside me. All of these feelings are just waiting to come out. If it's not now, I just hope it's soon.

Till next time, assalamualaikum.